WHY CAN'T I FIND A DECENT GUY?
by J.P. Ransom

 

Do you often find yourself choosing the wrong guy? Ever wonder what you're doing wrong? Well, here are some tips that may help you in your quest to actually find your decent guy.

     First, ask yourself, “Who would qualify as my decent guy?” You might imagine a nice-looking romantic gentleman who’s a snazzy dresser. He has a good job and is financially secure or at least not struggling from paycheck to paycheck. He drives a nice car and has his own place. He likes traveling and doing fun things. Who wouldn’t want to be with a guy like that?

     Now after describing your decent guy, take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, “If I were my decent guy, would I be interested in me?” Right now, actually stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself from head to toe. Go ahead, take this article with you.

     Do you like what you see? Now think about your life. What would a typical day in your life be like? In other words, where do you go and what do you do from day to day? Ever do fun activities that you dream of someday sharing with your decent guy—like travel? If not, are you taking steps that will allow you to travel in the future?

     Well, maybe you’ve just made a new discovery. Are you surprised? Again, if you were your decent guy, would you be interested in you? Think about it. Do you have as much or more to offer a relationship?

     If you do like what you see when you look in the mirror, and you do have something of substance to offer a relationship, then maybe you’re seeking the wrong qualities in your decent guy. I’ll address this issue a bit later.

     However, if you don’t like what you see when you look in the mirror, or you don’t have much to offer a relationship, ask yourself, “If I were my decent guy, what type of woman would I be interested in?”

     Let’s have you pretend to be your decent guy for a moment and take on all of his wonderful qualities. So when you’re looking for someone to hang out with, date, or maybe even get serious with, where would you look? Would you go to the places you described in your typical day? If not, what types of places would you go to?

     Still as your decent guy, let’s say you go to a social spot where you know successful and upwardly mobile people hang out. What are the chances that the “real you” will be there? And as your decent guy, if you saw the “real you” in a crowd, would you be drawn to go over and introduce yourself?

     If you don’t like what you see when you look in the mirror and at your own life, who else will? How can you expect your decent guy to like you if you don’t even like yourself?

     Your self-esteem, be it high or low, shows through your personality in the way you dress, act, speak, and work. It shows in the way you conduct relationships with your family and friends. When you feel good about yourself, your confidence glows like the brightest day of summer. But when you don’t like yourself, your low self-esteem hovers around you like the gloom of doom.

     Make the necessary changes in your life to like what you see when you look in the mirror. Remake yourself into a person who has more to offer a relationship. Don’t become a phony though. Make yourself smarter, become a better dresser, or learn to speak better if you expect those things from your decent guy. Tighten up your body if you expect your decent guy to have a tight body. Refine your own spirituality if you expect a spiritually refined decent guy. Again, don’t be phony. You’re simply redefining yourself into someone that even you like. You’ll know when your self-esteem picks up because the people you know will detect it. They’ll make comments like, “You look good,” or “You look so happy,” or “I don’t know what it is, but there’s something different about you.”

     Start doing, alone or with friends, things you’d like to someday share with your decent guy. If it’s traveling, start traveling. If it’s hiking, start hiking. After all, wouldn’t the most logical place to meet your decent guy be doing the things you both like? Isn’t it likely that the two of you will meet at one of these places? Don’t sit around the house waiting to meet a guy who likes to go dancing. Chances are he won’t show up at your doorstep—because he’ll be out dancing!

     On the other hand, if you’re confident in yourself and your life, you might be seeking the wrong qualities in your decent guy. Your interests should be aimed more toward your decent guy’s personal character. Take away his physical attraction and material possessions and what would be left of him?

     His looks, money, job, and car merely display a sense of social status. They tell you nothing about your decent guy’s morals or how he interacts with other people. He could be a handsome responsible psychopath—or a responsible jealous control freak.

     Hone your focus on communication, respect, spirituality, and family values. What really matters is that the two of you have similar beliefs, comparable life goals, and you can hold a conversation on a variety of topics, or at least topics that interest you both.

     Communication helps you determine commonalities between each other besides the obvious physical attraction. Talking helps you determine what type of child he was growing up, what type of family he has, how he interacts with other people, what his goals are, and whether or not he believes in God.

     Establish a friendship with your decent guy. Try not to get too emotional too fast. Keep your feelings somewhat distant until you learn more about his personality and lifestyle. That way, if he’s not all that he appears to be, you won’t have to overcome a devastating heartbreak.

     And don’t let your decent guy pressure you into sex. Back off if he becomes too demanding. Just one sexual encounter can affect the rest of your life; if not by linking the two of you with a child, there’s always the potential to catch a sexually transmitted disease, which you can’t determine he has just by looking at him. If you’re quick to jump in the sack, you could regret it for the rest of your life, and all it takes is once.

     If sex dominates your decent guy’s conversations, tell him you’re not ready and then change the subject. If his interest in you begins to dwindle and you find yourselves struggling to make conversation, and the two of you can’t find anything else in common besides sex, he’s not your decent guy. If you try to build a romance based solely on sex, you’d quickly find yourself in a miserable predicament of a relationship.

     If sex does not dominate your decent guy’s conversations and the two of you are always eager to talk to each other—and you have a hard time parting company—you just might be onto something. If you find yourselves sacrificing things that were once the most important things in your lives to see or talk to each other, you’re definitely onto something.

     But still don’t give yourself—heart, mind, and body—to your decent guy right off the bat. Get to know each other. Casually ask him about his childhood: what types of schools he went to and if his family moved around a lot. Ask him what he likes to do in his spare time, what he thinks about when he’s alone, and if his family is close-knit. Ask him if he’s had lots of girlfriends—or boyfriends!

     The actions of his family and friends can reveal a lot about your decent guy. Observe how his family interacts with each other, how they receive him, and you. Catch a glimpse into the types of friends he’s most in tune with and how they react to him.

     If his family and friends welcome him with smiles, laughs, and pleasant greetings, then he probably is a decent guy, easy to get along with—provided that his family and friends aren’t dysfunctional beyond tolerance. If they hate to see him coming and don’t respect him, or you, before they even know you, then you should question his reception. After all, who would know him better than his own family? (Watch out for waving red flags, flashing red lights, and blaring sirens on this one!)

     If you’re not comfortable with his family-friend scenario, pull back from the relationship until you know more. As you watch his family culture, traditions, and interactions, remember that these people could be your potential in-laws. You could have reason to deal with them for the rest of your life. They could be the aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents of your children. Is his family one that you’d like to be a part of? Would you want them influencing your children?

     Most people only see the superficial viewpoint of meeting and dating someone. But there’s a whole lot more to finding a decent guy than seeing a nice face in a nice car, wearing nice clothes to his nice job to keep up his nice bank account.

     Material possessions should not be the most important factor in finding your decent guy. Getting caught up in a materialistic world can be as simple as meeting him for the first time. You could quickly find yourself on a whirlwind free ride on his coattail, and just as quickly, staring immoral temptation dead in the face. Don’t sell him your morals just to have a taste of the action, or else before you know what hit you, you’ll no longer respect yourself or anybody else. You can become so caught up until one day when it’s all over you’ll suddenly wake up and find that you were a materialistic slave, wallowing in his pit of filthy pleasures.

     Be selective in meeting your decent guy. If you enter into a relationship with a guy who likes to party, drink, and get high all the time, that’s exactly what you’re going to get. If you choose the wildest guy at the party, that’s exactly what you’re going to get. Don’t think that because you picked him, he’s no longer going to party, drink, get high, or be the wildest thing at the party.

     And don’t settle for some out-of-control hound that you’ll have to try to mold into your decent guy. If you do, you’ll waste precious years of your life in frustration, anguish, heartache, and tears, trying to get him to change. And you know what he’ll tell you? “You knew how I was when you met me!” And you know what? He’d be absolutely right. Don’t set yourself up for a failed relationship. Once those years are gone, you can never get them back.

     Be stern in your quest for a decent guy. Don’t let physical attraction cloud your judgment, and don’t settle for a jobless man who sits around watching TV and drinking beer all day. He might talk a good game, he might have plans and dreams, but he just can’t break away from his drink, the couch, remote, and his buddies long enough to put them into action.

     Remember, plans and dreams can only be realized if actively pursued. Good luck in your quest to find your decent guy! ?

 

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